From sending out the post I last wrote, Community Events, I got a response from a meditation teacher, and learned some hard lessons.

I was making assumptions about how many people were attending events just from the number of RSVPs on Facebook or Meetup. But as the practitioner who responded to me pointed it out–this is often not the case. While looking at an event online where attendance appears to be low, in person there are a lot of regular attendees that simply don’t bother using the online system. He has popular events that sell out every month with 20-50 people, but you wouldn’t know that by looking online.

I was making assumptions based in ignorance and not in experience. This is a youthful habit that has burned me before, and I want to break it. I want to stop assuming that I know more than I do, and instead be more receptive to learning. I want to stop being so judgemental and instead live more from a place of appreciation and in the moment.

Coincidental Cynicism

It was interesting getting his response later in a day when I was so inspired by the animator who made this video.

It’s funny because I was gaining so much inspiration from the animation in this video, watching it over and over again, without even paying attention to the content. Which is even funnier when you consider the reason I love this animation so much: it’s invisible. Just how I’ve strived to make the design of this site invisible so the content can shine through unhindered, this video represents that accomplishment in animation form. If you look at the video comments, they aren’t about the animation being stunning or beautiful, but about the content–about cynicism.

After some reflection and letting this coincidence click, I finally realize: I have become cynical when it comes to attending local events. In just assuming that I won’t be able to connect with people here, I spare myself future disappointment by experiencing it now.

I’ve been going to meetups for a long time, hosting many as well, and have had many disappointments. But these disappointments can really be traced to one thing: actions I took from a place of fear. This happened when I would go to events out of fear of nothing interesting happening again for a while, or hosted meetups out of fear that any momentum I’ve been building would have been lost. However, the results were always positive when I attended or hosted events from a joyful place free of expectations. I met many great friends and teachers in doing this.

Similarly, making assumptions comes from a place of fear. Since embarking on a path of self love, I’ve opted to not make decisions from fear, and now assumption-making is included in that lot. The only rational way to make decisions is based on knowledge gained from previous experiences.

To continue to act from self love sometimes means going to an event, and sometimes means staying home. It’s about living according to how I feel in the present moment.

Now comes the challenge for the cynic: hope. What a fascinating thing to realize that I may have been repelling the very community and connection that I long for. I haven’t been open to receiving it, but instead have been critical, pulling out any sprouts before they have time to grow because they aren’t fully bloomed flowers I want. It’s time for me to recognize it’s potential. It’s time to patiently nurture relationships and simply let them grow. It’s time to hope that I will find community that I can connect with, or to even believe that it’s already right here and all around me.

I am working to release myself of the dangerous “the grass is greener on the other side” trap of a mindset. I’m excited to be going on a two week trip to Seattle next week, as I’ve never been in a big city that long or have seen the west coast, and I’m expecting it to give me a more holistic view of wherever I end up living. Every place has positives and negatives. There is no perfect place. No matter where I live, I can connect with people, I can create, I can grow, and I can garden.

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This exchange has been a great accomplishment for me. It’s been a long time since I’ve shared my work, and I’m glad it’s starting conversations, even and especially if they are conversations that are difficult for me. The internal struggle means I’m changing my beliefs and growing as a person. I’m excited to keep sharing my work and meeting people.